Emotional Highs and Lows

Waiting for things is never easy. I used to think that my tolerance/patience level was pretty good. Today, I'm not so sure. Waiting for the house to sell; Waiting for the right job to come along; Waiting for COBRA information only to find out that continuing benefits will cost over $1200/month; Watching my bank account quickly diminish; Trying to figure out the Missouri DMV requirements for car registrations and drivers licenses; Getting an interview rejecting notice for I job I never interviewed for. Today all of these things tested my patience ... and by and large they won.

The lone bright spot of the day was Rose finally getting a call from the government about a job she applied for back in February. The job itself would be a huge answer to prayer, however there are 50 people in the candidate pool and the posted hours would mean she would have to work every Sunday and never get to go to church.

I have found that faith is easy when you have some semblance of control in your life ... or at least the illusion of control in your life. I'm at a place now where there are so many things completely out of my control (the illusion is gone) that I feel paralyzed to do anything ... except to get on keeping on. When people ask me how I'm doing, my answer is always the same, "Day by day." The ironic (for lack of a better word) thing is that while I'm in the most uncomfortable place in my life, I still believe that I am exactly where the Lord wants me. I'm beginning to understand Paul more on a personal level when he talks about his weakness ...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(The Holy Bible : English Standard Version. Wheaton : Standard Bible Society, 2001, S. 2 Co 12:9-10)

I don't know that I'm ready to "boast" at this point, but I understand that unless I go through these trials and emotional lows, then I will never be able to minister to anyone else who will be facing them in the future.

Before we left Pennsylvania, our small group was doing a study on Brian Chapell's book Praying Backwards. The crux of the book talks about what it really means to pray "in Jesus name." One thing that it means is that when we pray in Jesus name we are submitting our prayers, requests and desires in such a way as to allow Jesus to conform them to His will. I confess that I've forgotten that the past several days. I've been trying to force God to conform His will to mine ... a sure recipe for a failure. Again, it all comes back to the issue of control and wanting to accomplish things within your own power. Oh there are so many things I have yet to learn, and one is how to be content in my weakness. Only then can I really claim the scripture passage above.